Only one more week!!

Let Me Update You!

               So I left off the last post with a "to be continued" vibe, and here is the latest update! I've been trying to get my motivation into gear, which includes canceling my car insurance, deferring loans, canceling amazon subscription, as well as my WiFi bill... so much stuff tying me down...

               I even started laying out clothes to pack, and made an entire list of what all I need to bring! Now I have always loved the idea of simplifying my life down to one bag travel type of person...but I've come to realize this is going to be a very hard thing to accomplish... partially due to the fact that I absolutely hate having an 'empty' living space. It's so depressing to me and just does not feel like home. Also I am a very sentimental person... things can have value for the dumbest reasons and only when its 5 years later and I can't remember that reason does that thing get thrown out. It's a little embarrassing really...haha. Nevertheless moving and sorting and packing is the lifestyle that I signed up for when I moved across the Atlantic. Btw, for those of you being so kind and helpful about moving/ storing things, or keeping things for me, you have no idea how grateful I am. I do not have the luxury of just keeping my things with my parents because that would entail me shipping everything thousands of miles. Honestly for any international student/person this is probably one of the most helpful things you could do for them because storage units are expensive and its always a stressful process to do this on a regular basis just fyi! And for me personally it's right up there with financial responsibilities...

Anyways I finally got up the motivation today to start cleaning things, and then in my "procrastinative" nature sat down to finish this draft I've had open for days, because a new 'lesson' has been on my mind as of late and actually it accompanies the last one I told you about my battle with fears and worry. So in church they've been teaching from the book of Nehemia; and the last two Sundays I attended (I've been a little lazy...sorry!) have focused on Chapter 4 where the Israelites are trying to rebuild Jerusalem's walls and they are discouraged already to begin with because so many before them had failed, but then on top of that they were being challenged by enemies who didn't want them to succeed. Those enemies were seen and unseen. So our preacher pointed out a few things that got my attention, because they were those things you hear and then go: "Really God?.. okokokok I'm hearing ya!"
         1. We are more likely to cave/give up to the roaring lion trying to devour us, when we are tired,                lonely or discouraged.
         2.  We usually want things fixed the quick way -> we look for a pill to medicate our problems
         3. Nehemia's plan involved prayer first and armed guards at the identified weaknesses in the                    wall.
Okay, I am well aware these are not earth-shattering bits of information to anyone..BUT! I know you have had those moments when all is going wrong and you're trying to learn from it and someone says the most generic, basic thing and it just shifts your perspective on your circumstances. Well I'm in that place right now. Every mountain I had to overcome last year would always make me want to give up on graduating. Well even now, the fear of not getting my finances together, lack of motivation to pack up my things, and ever more tasks that keep building up just keep beating down my energy and willingness to do something that is taking so much effort. So far my method has been "well that's the plan so its going to have to happen somehow." But I would much rather train myself to not look for a quick fix for everything and instead reach for prayer first. Next I would love to find my weaknesses and learn to work through them without throwing a tantrum.
       Anyone up for teaching me how to do my taxes?????
                        This may endanger whatever relationship we have, I will not be responsible for any emotional or physical harm we both may or may not experience...jk.....maybe..😀😁

For the update part: With my fundraising I am passing the 3000$ mark, and mind you a few weeks ago I kept telling people: "Well I think this is where God wants me so He's going to have to provide, because we both know I ain't no good at this."     WELL........ This is God saying "WATCH ME."    ;)
I am a week out and trying to scram to get everything packed up and organized because let's face it. I'm a last minute type of person..... But I am also collecting useful material to take with me and already getting a BIT nervous! Thank you for your support and all your kind words. I love getting to share this with you guys!

Love,

Jules

Battling my Jericho.

               Just to update you! There is a total of roughly $1250 raised, I'm incredibly grateful and feel so much love from those of you who have donated! It's a crazy experience. But of course being the worrisome person I am, it stresses me out needing $5000 by February... but this is a learning experience for me, and I am determined to welcome the harsh lesson of not being in control.

       Let me explain. Finances terrify me. Not a hard concept to understand for sure, and I know I am not the only person out there who hates the institution that controls all of our lives.... (I may or may not be feeling dramatic at this moment). The difficulty I have is the dependency that is required of finances to live our lives. Especially in my case which sometimes involves flying to another continent, money is the way to do it. We all know that Love/Hate relationship all to well. My fear is rooted strongly in my inability to have decent control over my finances... I'm terrible at being responsible in this area of my life, I make no secret of it. I can promise you, if you were to come give me some financial paperwork to fill out I would sit down and burst into tears.. BUT give me a room full of 24 first graders who speak no English and I say: "Challenge accepted!!" with utter excitement. I know for other people the idea of a room full of children to take care of is a terrifying picture haha.

       Now that I have graduated from formal education, its time for God's lessons. In order to not get trapped in a cycle of trying to earn money and pay bills, I saw a chance for God to teach me something every chance He gets. WELL, ladies and gentlemen the lessons have begun! 

First lesson: Your worst fear : no control over your financial situation

And just for the record...to me, having control would include me finding a decent paying job that could allow me to comfortably pay my bills etc. and lead a comfortable life. 

But who wants THAT kind of life???    **she asks while possibly hyperventilating**

SO! How is the lesson going so far? Well, I have been sending my dad very high medical bills to pass on to my insurance from my spider-bite  experience. I just got my paycheck yesterday and it made me depressed. The funds I had planned to save up for this period of my life were used for tuition money during the summer because I am not considered an in-state-student, even though out of all 5 years I have lived in the US, I've been in Oklahoma for 4 of those years.... but no I'm some kind of mix of international student or just domestically out-of-state. SO! I am well aware of the no control part of the lesson...yes its loud and clear!! hah. Meanwhile...low-key fear residing within me. 

       

       I know I need to learn to battle this fear of losing all control, and trust God to provide. But these things are always easier said than done. So today feeling utterly lost at how this could possibly work out... I got out an old book I had started a few months back. Its called "Glory Days" by Max Lucado. I really enjoyed this book, I just lost track of it over the last year. The chapter I had stopped on before was about God's people battling Jericho. Lucado points out that Jericho to God's people were the worst version of humanity. They were "their worst fear" if you will. But while Joshua and the Israelites were challenged to confront their worst fear, they technically did  nothing. God battled Jericho for them, all he asked of Joshua and His people were for them to center themselves around the ark and trust His instructions. Lucado explains that in the same way God asks us to center our lives around Him and trust. Our version of the ark just is replaced with meditating on God's word, or worshiping, or praying...instead of worrying, or trying to fight something that God could easily crush. Lucado described the spiritual battle in these situations as "strongholds" we are choosing to believe in. In my case they are strongholds that revolve around emotions of pride, defeat, and self-pity. Strange combination I know...especially since I just graduated! But these have always been around and they continuously manifest in other situations. For a while it was my education...now its my finances. Many of you know my 2017 was filled with a series of unfortunate events (*see what I did there? lol....I hope there is no copyright on that....if so smb please tell me)...but these all fueled the stronghold of self-pity and they continue to! At the same time, because I was not able to start fundraising in advance for the sake of my peace of mind, the idea that keeping my departure date the same is foolish fuels the stronghold of defeat...why try when it will fail anyways? Finally not having control of the outcome is hurting my pride immensely....which, let's face it, is a good thing...eventually. 

        I really can't say that everything will work out how I would like it too. It's probably a good thing that it doesn't..because this way I can take absolutely no credit for nothing...it will all go to God...since He is the one battling my Jericho. I guess it's time for me to do a better job and re-center my life and trust Him. Now that I have identified my strongholds...the only way I can even think of to fight them is to trust God.