Battling my Jericho.

               Just to update you! There is a total of roughly $1250 raised, I'm incredibly grateful and feel so much love from those of you who have donated! It's a crazy experience. But of course being the worrisome person I am, it stresses me out needing $5000 by February... but this is a learning experience for me, and I am determined to welcome the harsh lesson of not being in control.

       Let me explain. Finances terrify me. Not a hard concept to understand for sure, and I know I am not the only person out there who hates the institution that controls all of our lives.... (I may or may not be feeling dramatic at this moment). The difficulty I have is the dependency that is required of finances to live our lives. Especially in my case which sometimes involves flying to another continent, money is the way to do it. We all know that Love/Hate relationship all to well. My fear is rooted strongly in my inability to have decent control over my finances... I'm terrible at being responsible in this area of my life, I make no secret of it. I can promise you, if you were to come give me some financial paperwork to fill out I would sit down and burst into tears.. BUT give me a room full of 24 first graders who speak no English and I say: "Challenge accepted!!" with utter excitement. I know for other people the idea of a room full of children to take care of is a terrifying picture haha.

       Now that I have graduated from formal education, its time for God's lessons. In order to not get trapped in a cycle of trying to earn money and pay bills, I saw a chance for God to teach me something every chance He gets. WELL, ladies and gentlemen the lessons have begun! 

First lesson: Your worst fear : no control over your financial situation

And just for the record...to me, having control would include me finding a decent paying job that could allow me to comfortably pay my bills etc. and lead a comfortable life. 

But who wants THAT kind of life???    **she asks while possibly hyperventilating**

SO! How is the lesson going so far? Well, I have been sending my dad very high medical bills to pass on to my insurance from my spider-bite  experience. I just got my paycheck yesterday and it made me depressed. The funds I had planned to save up for this period of my life were used for tuition money during the summer because I am not considered an in-state-student, even though out of all 5 years I have lived in the US, I've been in Oklahoma for 4 of those years.... but no I'm some kind of mix of international student or just domestically out-of-state. SO! I am well aware of the no control part of the lesson...yes its loud and clear!! hah. Meanwhile...low-key fear residing within me. 

       

       I know I need to learn to battle this fear of losing all control, and trust God to provide. But these things are always easier said than done. So today feeling utterly lost at how this could possibly work out... I got out an old book I had started a few months back. Its called "Glory Days" by Max Lucado. I really enjoyed this book, I just lost track of it over the last year. The chapter I had stopped on before was about God's people battling Jericho. Lucado points out that Jericho to God's people were the worst version of humanity. They were "their worst fear" if you will. But while Joshua and the Israelites were challenged to confront their worst fear, they technically did  nothing. God battled Jericho for them, all he asked of Joshua and His people were for them to center themselves around the ark and trust His instructions. Lucado explains that in the same way God asks us to center our lives around Him and trust. Our version of the ark just is replaced with meditating on God's word, or worshiping, or praying...instead of worrying, or trying to fight something that God could easily crush. Lucado described the spiritual battle in these situations as "strongholds" we are choosing to believe in. In my case they are strongholds that revolve around emotions of pride, defeat, and self-pity. Strange combination I know...especially since I just graduated! But these have always been around and they continuously manifest in other situations. For a while it was my education...now its my finances. Many of you know my 2017 was filled with a series of unfortunate events (*see what I did there? lol....I hope there is no copyright on that....if so smb please tell me)...but these all fueled the stronghold of self-pity and they continue to! At the same time, because I was not able to start fundraising in advance for the sake of my peace of mind, the idea that keeping my departure date the same is foolish fuels the stronghold of defeat...why try when it will fail anyways? Finally not having control of the outcome is hurting my pride immensely....which, let's face it, is a good thing...eventually. 

        I really can't say that everything will work out how I would like it too. It's probably a good thing that it doesn't..because this way I can take absolutely no credit for nothing...it will all go to God...since He is the one battling my Jericho. I guess it's time for me to do a better job and re-center my life and trust Him. Now that I have identified my strongholds...the only way I can even think of to fight them is to trust God.